I found the following helpful from consultant Bill Wilson:
On Disagreeing:
- Learn to believe that intensity in relationships is a product of community, and disagreement is an outgrowth of caring. If people don’t care, they won’t fight.
- “Speak the truth in love” is the single most helpful word I have ever gotten regarding conflict. I’m still trying to understand all that it means. Most people are frightened by it.
- Get help discovering your default tendency for responding to criticism and conflict. We all have one that we learned early in life. Learn to recognize yours and manage it.
- Design safe systems, settings, events, and/or forms that enable people to speak openly and give honest feedback. I learned the hard way to build ten-fifteen minutes of preventive conversation time into every Deacon/Elder/Leadership team meeting. This time was devoted to asking the hard questions or expressing frustration. Getting those conversations in from the parking lot to the meeting room is huge.
- The politicians and media have destroyed the idea of thoughtful debate. The church must be the voice that reclaims it and insists upon it.
- If you want to get stronger/better, you need resistance. This is true at the church just like the gym.
- Begin to talk about “transformative conflict” when no one is angry. Quote people like David Brubaker, George Bullard, Peter Steinke, Susan Nienaber and David Sawyer on this topic every chance you get. Seek to “normalize” conflict in the life of the church.
- Some conflict is pathological and toxic. It’s hard to know the difference between such a scenario and a conflict that can prove transformative. Nevertheless, seek to distinguish between the two by using at least three good minds for discernment. Make sure the others in your circle are not afraid to speak truth to you.
- Find a therapist or pastoral colleague you can talk to when things get especially intense. They’ll keep you from veering too far off a healthy path. Remember, everyone needs a Nathan.
- Be disciplined about practicing biblical conflict. Start with this one: talk to, not about others. Everything healthy flows out of that core Matthew 18 teaching.